Ok so here goes I’ll paint the picture for you, It’s March 2018 and me and Casey (that’s my partner but I’ll talk about him later) have been together a good few years now, we’ve bought out house everything is pretty lush to be honest and we decide it’s time for that next step as a couple.. A BABY I’ve always dreamed of being a mum I’ve always felt maternal so I was excited everything felt right, I went up to the clinic to get my contraceptive implant removed out my arm and I was good to go, Baby making time! It didn’t take us long a couple of months and them 2 lines popped up on the pregnancy test, I was beyond excited (I didn’t quite believe it) I think I did about 15 tests and that’s no joke I couldn’t quite believe there was a little life growing inside of me! I just wanted to tell everyone our amazing news and so I did! We were going on holiday to Kefalonia in Greece the following month with Casey’s sister and her family and I didn’t want them wondering why I wasn’t drinking so we sent them a picture of the clearblue test and everything was hunky dory! A couple of weeks went by as I sure as hell felt pregnant! The tiredness, My god the tiredness was something else, I couldn’t get enough sleep! The morning of our holiday rolled around and I was 6 weeks pregnant and loving life, We were watching videos in bed of our baby developing on one of them apps you can download and then Casey went to make some toast, I went downstairs and smelt the toast and “OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO THROW UP” morning sickness has started! (Being sick is the worst thing for me but I will explain that in another story!) I just couldn’t believe how fast it came on but deep down I was happy as it was because of my little darling growing in my tummy.. I never felt sick again after that morning.. After an amazing holiday we returned to a letter offering me a dating scan at the hospital in 2 weeks time when I would of been nearly 11 weeks pregnant- I couldn’t wait to see our baby on the screen!! I was picking out names decorating the nursery in my head, the usual mumsy things you do, The morning of the scan came around quick.. it was a Friday and that day my whole world came crashing down.

I laid on the bed in that dark room, Casey sat on the chair at the foot of the bed, The lady squirted that cold jelly on my tummy and off she went.. quiet, Everything was dead quiet.. I was getting very nervous but I looked at screen and I saw a baby it had arms, legs, a head it was a proper baby! So I was over the moon, until she asked me “have you had any pain or bleeding my love?” “No none” I replied… she went quiet again and then she said them words “I’m so so sorry my love but this baby has no heartbeat, This baby’s heart looks to of stopped about a week ago” in that moment I felt like my heart stopped, I couldn’t speak it felt like a lifetime, it wasn’t, was probably only a few seconds but my world stood still, she said she would leave the room and give us some privacy and when she closed the door I broke down, Casey held me and I sobbed and sobbed on the bed I had never felt a pain like it, I just wanted to get home I felt embarrassed, I don’t know why but I did, I just felt stupid.. I had planned a whole life for the 3 of us and it had gone there was a baby in my belly but it wasn’t alive anymore the pain was unbearable.

The lady told me the hospital would ring me later that day to talk about my options and she let us out of a side door and I just cried and cried for the rest of the day, Casey rang round the family we had told and told them what had happened, People tried to call and text me but I couldn’t speak to them, I just wanted to curl up under a rock and I was so upset.

The hospital rang and the lady was nice, she apologised and sympathetically went through my options, We decided to have the surgery as I wanted it all to be over and felt that was the best option for us so a week later we went to hospital so they could remove our baby from me – telling this story never gets any easier.

I laid in a hospital bed was given some medication and I waited.. I waited most of the day infact for someone to come and take me down to surgery.. that day is quite a blur to be honest I think I mentally blocked it out, when I came round from the anaesthetic I still felt numb I just couldn’t believe I went to hospital that morning with a baby inside me and left that night without one and as much as you hear how “common” miscarriage is it doesn’t make it any easier as all you do sit and think “WHY ME” what did I do to deserve this? You blame yourself and it is so so crap!! I wouldn’t of got through that if it wasn’t for Casey he was so strong for us both, I Think we forget sometimes that men are suffering too. He really supported me through that tragic time and I’m so lucky and grateful for that.

Miscarriage can make you feel so alone, I used to trawl the internet at night trying to find people who had been through the same thing. If you read this and need someone to talk to please don’t hesitate to email me I am here. robynhardy22@outlook.com

I hope my story does help someone else not feel as alone.

Big loves, Robyn x